How To Get Divorced Properly

I just got through the bulk of the marriage zone (ages 27-32) and (not as though I want this but) realistically there are probably going to be a couple of divorces coming up.

All things considered there is a proper way to get divorced and a wrong way. The proper way is respectful to the people involved, the families, and the children (if there are any). The wrong way is a disgusting mess making the world a worse place both now and in the future.

Before I dig in just want to mention this:

Women ... stay the fuck off of social media. I have correctly called 4 divorces based on how women act on Facebook. Whether you know it or not, social media will exacerbate all of the bad things related to divorce.

When to get divorced:

  • Your spouse is having sex with other people
  • Your spouse hasn't had sex with you for a really long time (varies person to person)... this indicates that they are having sex with other people, or that they are really depressed.
  • You are the king of England and you are sick of killing your wives that won't produce male offspring.
  • When your spouse is getting you into extremely unmanageable debt, or there is excess of money but your spouse spends all of it.
  • When your spouse hasn't worked in a really long time, and they aren't retired or wealthy (homemaker can be considered a job in my book)
  • When your spouse continues to use Cocaine, Heroine, Methamphetamines, despite many attempts at helping them with their chemical dependencies
  • [there's rules about alcohol but they are too complex...]
  • If your spouse physically harms your children... or actually, any children.

When to not get divorced:

  • During major life changes (change of jobs, birth of a child, death of a family member, illness)

  • Your spouse is the dictator of a 3rd world country.

  • Your spouse doesn't have enough sex with you... or you have become bored with the sex that you have => step up your sex-game/ quit being suburban and you'll be fine

  • Anything related to the word happy => remember biologically you are supposed to not be happy. "Content homoerectus, became dead homoerectus". (every time I hear people say they are doing something do become happy, I puke in my mouth a little bit)

So if you've read this and you are still planning on getting divorced here is how to do it... and how not to do it.

How to properly divorce:

  1. Make a decision. A firm decision and have a high-level plan. Once you decide, take the person to a calming public place DURING THE DAY, and tell them. No mind altering substances (alcohol, marijuana, etc). period. Talk roughly through the plan.

  2. Next Immediately, take a video of your residence with everything in it and send that to the person. Take Screen-shots of all bank accounts and financials. You are creating evidence of all shared assets... share these with the spouse.

The next steps of the process are really specific to the people involved, but I'm going to suggest somethings that will make the process easier. Try as hard as you can to be considerate of the other person... you didn't start off wanting to get divorced and neither did they.

  • For both people it is really important emotionally not to continue to live in the same physical environment.***** Though it is usually not possible, try to relocate yourself into a different physical environment until the divorce concludes. In the very least, re-arrange your furniture and your living space. There's a bunch of science behind this but the short is that it will be much easier on your emotions and help you with the transition.
  • Decide on a date to have the mutual assets split up. This date must be a hard date. If the mutual assets aren't split up (including things of high emotional value), have an arbiter sell them and give the money evenly. Yes, it sucks, but it sucks a lot less than dragging out a divorce for 5 years while you squabble over a couch or something.
  • [This is a hard rule] Don't see any other people, or date or anything until 6 months after the divorce concludes or you have lived in separate geographic locations for a year. You are a castrated monk for this time period. Focus on making money to pay for your divorce, and taking care of the emotions of the people around you. If you NEED to have sex... fly to Vegas and purchase your sex.

A divorce in many ways is actually very similar to the way you should handle the death of a spouse... if you immediately start fucking the neighbor after your spouse dies other people are going to think that you are a piece of shit... because you are.

  • Exercise is now your best friend. You will need every single one of those endorphins and all the energy that you can get. If you get sad... go exercise. If you get angry... go exercise. If you feel like you are exercising too much... go exercise.
  • (Later) When you do start dating again the first couple of people should be people that you could have never met during your married life... I would also recommend to try dating someone that would be out of your sphere of influence- it makes it more fun.
  • I don't know a lot about kids, but kids are people, so I assume the following to be true: they don't like being lied to, they don't like fighting or violence at their house, they don't like seeing people cheat on other people
  • Write out positive things about your new life... look at them frequently.
  • Divorces are expensive... do everything you can to limit the amount of money it costs. Avoid lawyers... you can get standard divorce paperwork online, and use mediators or arbiters cause they are cheaper.
  • Get out as fast as possible.

If you liked the article you should check out my monthly newsletter "Cocktail Napkin Math":